Another week..

So this morning seems to be starting off ok. I woke up in time, had lemsip for my cold/cough, left the house on time, made it to the train station on time, got my make-up etc done on time, and am now peacefully staring out the window. I should be reviewing workpapers but I can't bring myself to start that yet.

Another long week ahead of me... I am very sad about it. I feel no motivation to work or anything. I'm not sure why. I want to do better at work and have these grand goals of being ultra productive but then never follow through!

Bryan has been on my mind a little this morning. Not sure why, but my mind seems to wander in his direction today. I was telling the roommate last yesterday now I just wanted to spend time with him before I left, and all he wanted to do was shove me away and distance himself from me. It still hurts my heart a lot.

I'm still sick, but I have to say, this weekend was good. I went to a Pilates class and a Hatha yoga class. I ironed, did my groceries, cleaned my room, watched the bachelor with Suzie, went out Saturday night with annaleah, mabe and Alyson, and some of Mabe's Venezuelan friends. We stayed out late and had a good time. We went to a piano bar near charring cross station which was super fun! I had brunch with annaleah at med kitchen yesterday and got the eggs Benedict. So yum. Then I did some work in the afternoon! So happy about that. I talked to mom both Saturday and Sunday. I know that made her happy : )

I hope this is a good week. I hope that I don't miss Bryan and that he slowly makes his way out of my memory and thought process. I hope I get over this anger and vengefulness that I feel towards him. I dont wish him happiness. I don't think I've ever said that before. I hope I am focussed and productive at work and not chatty. I hope I can just sit and get hours of work done, so I don't stress about it anymore. I hope I go to the gym during the week. I hope I go to bed ontime. I hope I feel better and eat better.

Here's to a good week... : )

Frustrating

Wednesday, January 20th, 2012
7:31am
Angel, London
Pounds away from goal weight: 24


It hasn't been a good last couple of days!

I'm sick. I'm not even sure where this sickness crept up from, but I hate it.

I went to the post office yesterday to mail valentines day cards to my friends, and my dad's birthday card. I procastinated the whole day, and then rushed there 15 minutes before they closed, and then took the stamps from the guy at the counter, pasted them on my 11 envelopes, and then when I went to pay him, I realized that I had left my wallet on my desk in the office. I couldn't just take the envelopes back since they already had stamps for them. So the guy at the counter was super nice, and said that he would pay for them and get them mailed out, and that I could just come back the next day and pay for them. Well.. ofcourse I wasn't supposed to be in London today/tomorrow, but I didn't really have a choice and I went back this morning anyways to pay him back, and came to Watford late.

And.. while I was there, I remember taking my blackberry out and sending an email, and I guess I left it there.

I had such an annoying morning. Just having to go all the way down to the post office today was such a waste of time. They didn't open until 9 am, so I was just really late coming to the client's office. It was raining this morning, and I got a run in my stockings. And I was so upset about my blackberry that I bought a chocolate croissant, and ate it, and am now hating myself.

I randomly remembered something last night about B. Well.. it's not like I don't think about him sporadically. Its really good that he blocked me. Out of sight.. out of mind I guess. I remember that when I had called him on the 30th, he said to me "I haven't been talking to you out of any interest - it was just to manage you".

Wow. Ugh. I feel like that whole episode was just bad. But I feel myself healing on the inside. A lot. A lot more than I would have thought.

A good weekend

I had a really good and busy weekend. Friday night, I stayed in an watched a movie (Moneyball) with my roommates - it was a nice low key night. I needed that - I was exhausted from my week. The movie was really good - I am surprised at how much I enjoyed a movie about baseball. Lol

Saturday - I went to Borough market http://www.boroughmarket.org.uk/ with my roommate Suzie and her friend, and then walked around. I got paella and bought a salami stick. Then afterwards, we went to Canary Wharf to see some ice sculpture competition thing. There were too many people there and I couldn't see much. I came back home and had a headache and napped for a bit.

Then Saturday night we went to a house party (Thurai's party at his place in Bayswater) and were out until 4:30am. I took Alyson to the party too. Annaleah's friend Robin came to visit her this weekend as a surprise - and they went to Whiskey Mist, and she came to join us at the party afterwards. It was a good party and I had fun. No boys tho. I'm still not ready after Bryan. I've never had anything end so disastrously with so much anger and hate and what not. So currently, I am just jaded and upset about everything, and need to not be with any assholes.
I tried weed for the first time. I had one puff. It had no effect. I don't think I really have any further interest in it really. But I do wonder what I would be like under the influence of weed. Lol.

Today was a good laid back day. Chatted with the roommates, did laundry, cleaned up, wrote valentines day cards to my friends, watched Castle, put pics in picture frames, etc.

Busy season officially starts tomorrow. I hate it. I'm really tired of busy season - and the idea of not having a life for the next two.five months is killing me. I'm dreading it. I am so jealous of all my friends that are no longer having to deal with it =(

Time for bed =) Gnite everyone.

Remembering

Last year - the year started off horribly. I remember coming back from India after Tejal's wedding and being excited to see Bryan. But right from the start, he picked a fight with me. I remember us having such a big fight that night. I remember getting up from the bar and walking away, and crying. I remember asking him to drop it, but he didn't want to. He was so angry. He just wanted to keep arguing. I remember the next few days just being so sad all the time. I remember all the arguments, all the time, every day. How did I ever put up with it? It was a miserable start to what would become a miserable year.

Looking back - everything about that year was miserable because of Bryan. God - how did I do that to myself for so long? As sad as I am about not having him in my life, he was a destructive and horrible force. He created havoc in my heart.

This year, the start has been better. It's been simple. It started off with spending time with great friends, family and home. It started off being organized at work and at home. With goals for the year, targets to achieve, keeping in touch with old friends, making travel plans, and excitement for the coming year.

I can't wait for 2012 to blow 2011 away. I want to wash away all the hurt of the last year, and I'm so grateful for the start of a new year to mark a beginning to a new chapter in my life.

I hope that I make the most of this year.

Blocked

Akansha ...
I'm sure I already know the answer to this ... but is he online?
Akinyemi E. O...
Im not going to tell you - I need to stop being an enabler
Akansha. .. please
Akinyemi E. O... nope
as in nope - Im not telling
Akansha Dayal...
this is why i have an akin in my life
Akinyemi E. O...
lol, I try to be the best akin I can be
Akansha Dayal...
so then you can tell me if he's online
it's good when you tell me
i'll explain:
i remember that he's blocked me
Akinyemi E. O...
go on...
Akansha Dayal...
after he picked an argumenet with me over nothing
and then blamed it on me
and gave me a hard time
and it makes me realize he's an asshole
and that i'm better off without him
it reinforced it all
Akinyemi E. O...
that just made no sense
how does me telling you if he's online help you forget him?
Akansha Dayal...
what do u mean?
because i know that he's blocked me
Akinyemi E. O...
oh
Akansha Dayal...
and it reinforces the fact that he's an asshole
oh akin
so young
so much to learn about women
Akinyemi E. O...
Ive concluded that I will never understand what makes you girls think
he is online but away
(I feel like such an enabler)
i'm glad he's blocked me

it makes me remember he's a fucking asshole

Sleepy

I'm at Hilton and am really struggling to stay focussed and stay awake today.
Every day I ask Akin to check sametime to see if Bryan is online. And almost everyday, he tells me.. yes.. he is. And I realized that he's finally blocked me. Not sure what the big deal is - why am I a teeny little bit upset? I wanted him to block me - and I asked him several times! I have to say though.. it's easier for me not to want to message him if he's not on sametime. However, when I think about it, his anger and rudeness towards me when I talked to him on December 30th really eliminated any option for me to ever reach out to him again. So.. I'm not emailing or texting or calling him, because it's pointless.

Akansha ... is he online?
Akinyemi E. O... yes, but away
Akansha ... still blocked for me...
whatever
i really need to stop checking
Akinyemi E. O... yeah, take him off your sametime list

I still want revenge. But I don't want any superficial revenge. I want him to feel pain in his heart. Because thats what he made me feel.

Irrational?